i'm a bit under the weather. my head feels giddy when i stare at this screen. walking about makes me feel better but when i sit down again i feel worse. i'm on the borderline of having a fever i guess. some people i know are already down with flu or something. the bug must be in the air.

yesterday as i walked past a shop i saw a red chair. suddenly my mind reeled back to some unpleasant moments. it was on a red chair that i cried my heart out, pleading and begging and ... stop! i'm not going to go through that moment again. it's bloody painful.

yesterday too i had a discussion to review my performance with my boss. it's a yearly thing we do. some people really go for high rating. but high rating doesn't motivate me much. there's a small impact on the paycheck but the excitement doesn't last long.

what i value most from the review is the feedback i get. tell me about my strengths so that i can capitalise on them; tell me about my weaknesses so that i can improve them; having the boss to be pleased with my performance is a bonus. however, knowing that i exceed the challenges that i set before me is the most gratifying and motivates me to raise my own bar.

well, i've got to add some comments made by my boss into the appraisal form. it's in a database somewhere and it's crawling. i'd better get to it now.

i've got to squint my eyes harder as i get giddier. maybe a cigarette may help ;-) fooooh fooooh

over the weekend during the outing i had a chance to have some conversation with e78. we moved from one topic to another until she started to talk about her past. i discovered that she's been hurt recently. it's the case of giving all the best but even the best was not good enough. that case was familiar to me. what i've gone through recently made it easier for me to understand her experience. in turn, i related my own experience to her. we're kindred spirits in that manner.

a few moments the atmosphere turned quiet and sombre as we stared deep into space and replayed those painful moments. but i found out that expressing the experience to someone who has gone through the same helps a lot.

since she felt the hurt until the present, i asked her how long it has been. she said it's been a year and the pain was still there. i guess i have to bear the pain for that long or may be longer.

anyway, my group had good fun over the weekend (having someone in the group as my kindred made it much better). we went to pee bee (until a police truck came in and took away some people and all the fun) and then moved to another place until 3. then we had something to munch and by 4 headed to our place to retire for the night (rather, morning).

i call e78 by the name of "moot" which is short for "semut". why? that's for us to know and for the rest of you to mind your own bloody business.

i'm feeling a bit under the weather this morning. i've been sneezing since i got into the office. my head is spinning and giddy. my boss donated two paracetamol pills. i ate an orange in the pantry. i've been smoking like usual though; damned this nicotine.

now, back to work. errr ... after another cigarette, i mean.

last evening a good friend of mine informed me that a 17-year old boy she's been tutoring was involved in an accident. the boy passed away later in the night.

the news reminded me that the only sure thing in life is death, and that we start dying the day we begin our life.

God Almighty is The One "who created death and life that He may try you ..." [Al-Mulk:2]

why did He mention death first? death is the end. we always begin anything with an end in mind.

change is inevitable.

change comes in all facets and happens all the time. as seconds past things get more or things get less; winds blow from east to west or north to south; clouds get thick or clouds get thin; situations get better or situations get worse; feelings grow or feelings wither.

we acknowledge that change takes place. it would be good if we could control the change. but it would be frustrating to control change as most of the times change is beyond our control. therefore, what matters is how we cope with change.

coping with change is preparing our thinking, feeling and behaviours on the foreseeable and not-so-forseeable change. some people prepare for change by meticulous planning; some take it one day at a time.

i am not sure into which category of people i fall. preparing too much for change tires me; not preparing at all scares me.

i guess i will just accept that change does come. that way i won't be too shocked when change comes subtly or drastically. i'll cross the bridge when i get to it.

last night i went to the club to check out the new band. it didn't feel as warm as before -- when we arrived no one was there to welcome us. we used to be greeted by the band boys who made us feel like home.

this new band is not as good as the previous one. maybe i kinda missed the previous one. i'll get used to this new one. but the night was saved by the good company i had with me. in our group was e78.

who's e78? my first encounter with her was on monday 16 feb. then again on thursday, and on the third time on friday i asked her out to join my group and she agreed. since then she's been a regular feature in our outings.

she's actively involved in politics, and one of the prominent figures in the movement in her housing area. when she speaks in the phone with whomever calls her, she exudes confidence and seems dependable. and she has one very sweet smile that seems to stick in your mind.

easy going with a good personality to match, she's interesting and i like hanging out with her. i hope we can be good friends.