We are a ball-centric society. Put a ball in the middle of the field and 70,000 people will crowd around it. And thanks to the satellite and communications technology, another 7 million pairs of eyes will be glued to the TV sets following the ball - small ball, big ball, round ball, oval ball being hit, kicked, tossed, or scrambled.

The universal favourite game that uses a ball is football or soccer. Believe me you, 33.4 billion people watched football in 1998. If a person spent just one hour watching football, that would translate to 33.4 billion man-hours. Imagine if we had 33.4 billion man-hours at our disposal. What could have we achieved even with bare hands with that kind of resource? Plant more trees? Toil the land? Build river embankments? Build houses for the poor and homeless? That is the ideal me speaking.

Now it's time for the nostalgic me.

I am not much of a football fan. I do follow the game every four years when nations go to war over a cup which is known as the World Cup.

I caught my first World Cup fever when I was 12. I attended a boy school. There were 50 students in my classroom. Our desks were arranged in four rows. During physical education class each row became a team. My team called ourselves Argentina. The P. E. Teacher would kick two balls into the fields. We would scramble after the ball following the trajectory of the balls and take positions. In seconds two matches went on at the same time: Argentina vs. Brazil and England vs. Belgium.

We played barefooted. Football boots were not allowed to be worn. Those boots were beyond our reach anyway. We could taste those expensive football boots in our dreams. For those who had the money, they wore elastic ankle bandages. For those with less money, they wore on one ankle. For those without money like me, we relied on our skin and bones.

I played football in high school for recreation. When I was in college I played indoors. Now I only play foosball.

Yesterday I finally spoke to my boss' boss about my interests and strengths. I told him that I am better at doing something that requires intensive thinking. Leave me in a cave somewhere to come up with something new and I will crawl out of it with something brilliant. While I'm thinking I don't like to be pestered with ad-hoc and immediate requests; it's not that I can't deliver them but I will be distracted and my train of thoughts will be derailed.

We ended the conversation with him noting my feedback.

I believe I have high power of imagination, high power of analysis, and I can see things from a bigger perspective. I can take huge amounts of input and make some sense out of it.

I'd rather work alone. I will solicit ideas from others if I require them. My brother once told me that "teamwork happens when you are willing to trade a brilliant idea with a lousy one." But I'm expected to be a team player. OK, I'll be seen as a team player.

But i'm kind of low on being realistic. I'm a dreamer, remember?

a brush with a ghost from the past affected me. that's what happened yesterday.

i know i shouldn't let it bother me but it did. the indescribably sharp pain came back to strike me deep in the heart. vivid images from the past flooded my mind all at once. anger and hurt made a visit too.

i'm glad though that i was able to get a hold of myself and to keep my spirit high. it wasn't noticeable. i didn't have to talk it out with anybody. actually i chose not to talk about it because i guessed it would have made me worse. furthermore, it's a waste of time talking about a worthless thing with people i care.

i learned something, though, that some people don't believe in the adage "action speaks louder than words." one meaning of the adage is no matter what you say, it is your action that finally validates your words.

you say you like white but you always wear blue. say all you want, but we know you actually like blue and you lied about white.

as words come from the heart, your action is a reflection of what's inside your heart, too.

this morning has been traumatic. i'm still trembling -- my hands shaking, my stomach churning, my knees weak. tears are on the brink of flowing.

i can't think straight. i want to be somewhere alone. i'm taking leave from the office.

to the rest of the world, may peace be with you.

*yawn* slept after 2 last night finishing up another research paper. started life at 6.30 and my eyelids are heavy now. reviewed the paper with supervisor. am now updating it. already gulped down a cuppa and am waiting for the caffein to kick in.

but wait! there's this plan later in the evening. my hands tremble with anticipation. that should keep me going till 5.

hickory dickory dock,
my eyes are on the clock!

can't wait! can't wait!