One night a few days after the last blog, while smoking a cancer stick on the small yard outside my house, I gazed upwards. The sky was thinly veiled by some clouds that still let the twinkles of the stars to shine through. Some thoughts on astronomy crossed my mind. Though seemed static, the stars were moving on their own predetermined paths. They were moving in their own orbits, much like circumambulating.

The stars circumambulate; so do people. Each minute they are people circumambulating a cube called "Kaabah" in Mecca. Every year, at least two million people circumambulate the cube during the period of Hajj alone. There is some greatness in that act, so I figured.

And for the first time in my life, I really wanted to go to Mecca to perform the umrah. I had always wanted to go there but that night it was not only a "want" ... It was a strong urge. I felt almost compelled.

Whatever wishes that cross our hearts are prayers to which God Almighty listens and grants in due time. And the wish I made that night was granted. I did the umrah in April. It's an important cornerstone in my life.

i have a lot to say. but i can't find the time to tap the keyboard. so i drafted a lot of stuff in my head. by the time i do have the time, it's all gone and i'm tounge-tied.

one thing on top of my mind is about my career with this company. i'm about to reach the point of no return. i have to decide now.

but i don't know what's the next move -- what is the kind of job available for me that would excite me? what are the jobs available in the company? what would i excel at?

i want my remaining years in this company to be meaningful -- to be productive for the company and at the same time to be recognized and rewarded. i don't want to fall into oblivion, to be just one of the faces. i will find it difficult to drag myself out of the office.

i'm reaching deep down in my soul to re-evalute my existence in this company and in a bigger contact, my existence in this world. come to think of it, these are the same stuff i thought about when i started my adult life.

so, what do you call this? a mid-life crisis? nope, i'd like to call it mid-life review. yeah that's exactly what i've been doing these past few weeks. i've mentally noted down the high and low points in my life.

there are things i failed terribly at. i need to improve upon them. the time that past will never come back. there's only the future. i don't know how much time is left ahead of me for me to make up for all my failures i made. however, i resolve that i will do good a bit each day, be strong to stay away from the bad, and may God Most Gracious guide me in each step of the way.

aamiiiin ...

shhhh ... i love the silence ...

it's been a month since the last time i blogged. it's been a busy month until the end of the month. major work completed. it's the new year and i can kick back and breathe again.

but firstly, Praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds, The Beneficent, Most Merciful; Master of the Day of Judgment.

i was planning to go on holiday during the christmas weekend till the end of the year. candidates were padang (sumatra), phuket, langkawi, penang, or pangkor laut. it was last minute planning; i couldn't get any room that was affordable. instead, i came to the office for a few days in the last week of the year.

had i been to any of those places, i would have been very close to the tsunami-stricken spots.

in 2004 i learnt a lesson not to curse too quickly when there seems to be a "misfortune." there's always a blessing in disguise when an event takes place. i missed my vacation, and i missed the tsunami.

for those stricken by the tsunami, my sympathies go to them. some lost their lives, some their families, their homes, their belongings. at this moment, it is all sorrow and pain. what is in store for the survivors in the years to come? no one knows, but i want to believe that God, the Planner who plans ahead of all other planners, has something good for all affected.

which reminds me of a story i read in a book about being happy. i've forgotten the author to whom i'd like to give the credit. once, a farmer lost his horse. his neighbours told him that's bad luck. but he said, "well, i don't know really."

one day, his horse came back with ten other wild horses. his neighbours said that's good luck. but he said, "well, i don't know really."

his son rode one of the horses, fell off and broke his leg. his neighbours said that's bad luck. but he said, "well, i don't know really."

the country was in a state of war. the king's men came to enlist all the strong, healthy men. the farmer's son with the broken leg was left with the parents. the neighbours said that's good luck.

we really don't know, do we?

have another pleasant year.