it's been a long, exhausting, but fulfilling day. checking out now. hope to see the sun rise tomorrow morning. till then.

This morning my ex-boss (who has resigned from the company I'm working for) contacted me to offer a job. It's an IT position.

As he is also a friend of mine I did not want to disappoint him and I told him we could discuss.

At this moment my interest is no longer in IT. After spending 12 years in IT in enduser company, no more do I have the stamina and interest to develop applications from scratch; nor the patience to manage system integration projects and all the challenges; nor the design of a grand long term IT plan for a company. Been there, done that.

Now I see IT as only a part of the solution for an organisation. I know how it is relevant in an organisation as an enabler. That's all I care about IT. Get someone else to implement it.

I am more interested in the organisational improvement as a whole -- the clarity of vision and mission; long term business objectives and strategies; right people with right skills; systems and processes that move the organisation; management style; and how the organisation is structured. My job now involves all of these. For now I am still passionate about my job.

IT is only a part of the big picture. Let someone else work on the details. If I were to be offered an IT position I would accept it only if I were to head the IT outfit. Otherwise it won't be worth it.

Saturday 11 p.m. to Sunday 11 p.m. ... 24 hours of events that put me in a roller coaster.

In the first 12 hours I had to endure tests of acceptance, undivided loyalty, fulfilling obligation and communication. Throughout the tests I was happy and I was saddened. My heart was torn into two. I questioned loyalty and my loyalty was questioned. I had to face the risk of being labeled untrustworthy, and ultimately losing someone dear.

The next 12 hours was an enlightenment. The results slowly unfolded when the events were revisited. As answers to the mysteries came to light I discovered what I really wanted to hold dear to me, what was close to my heart. I learned more about accepting people as who they are; about being loyal to the people who are loyal to me; about fulfilling my obligation when it is called for; and about the importance of communicating intentions early and clearly.

The 24 hours were eventful. I came out with more confidence ...

"why are you smiling by yourself?"

"oh, am i?"

"yes you are."

"ok, i'll tell you the next time i'm going to smile. we'll smile together. are you ready? here we go ... 1, 2, 3, smile!"

heh heh heh ...

i was bound to my painful past by an elastic rubber rope.

everytime i tried to walk away from the past i was pulled back to the past by the rope. the farther i walked, the harder it was to take another step, and the stronger i was catapulted back to the past. at the end i always ended up slumping at the foot of the past, exhausted. the world was gloomy as i wallowed in the memories of the past.

i reckon the elastic rubber rope was the hope i had that i thought could salvage the situation i was in. i began to slowly realise it was a false hope. the painful past became much bitter by the day. that gave me more impetus to walk farther from the past. grinding my feet firmly into the ground, i fought the force of the elastic rope inch by inch. but that rope was still there, strapping me tightly.

recently i had a strong boost to walk farther from the painful past. i had enough strength to walk -- nay, run -- farther until the elastic rope reached its crucial breaking point and snapped. i was unleashed! it was a breakthrough.

i am finally free from that elastic rope but not necessariy from the painful past. i can go as far away from it as i wish and i can revisit it anytime i like. the past will always be part of who i am; however, i am no longer bound to it.

to the kindred spirit who appeared out of nowhere, thank you for the inspiration that gave me the boost.

yesterday's tomorrow is today.

never again can i reach yesterday. never will i know if tomorrow comes. today is all i've got.

today i live my life to the fullest. i'm giving my best in all roles i play. some people appreciate what i do. to them i'd like to say, "thank you very much for appreciating me; enjoy it."

other people say that my best isn't good enough. to these people i'd like to say, "giving my best is not about fulfilling your definition of 'best'; it is about fulfilling mine."

here's part of the chorus from bon jovi's "it's my life" which i copied from this site ...

it's my life
it's now or never
i ain't gonna live forever
i just want to live while i'm alive

my heart is like an open highway
like frankie said
i did it my way
i just wanna live while i'm alive
it's my life

wooo hoooo!

i met a good friend for tea after office yesterday. upon seeing me she remarked, "wow! you look very happy that you can glow in the dark."

yes of course i was very happy yesterday. first reason -- i got an unexpectedly high rating for my performance. second reason (which still keeps me happy till today) -- is for me to know and for you to mind your own business. heh heh ...

hey, i should try david letterman's top 10 list format. that should be fun. well, next time maybe.

i read something about meniere's disease. i can't even pronounce that name. it's not actually a disease. there's no virus or microbes involved. it's more of a condition or syndrome. the cause and origin are still unknown.

why the sudden interest in this disease? the doctor i visited last week suspected that i may have this disease. the symptom of dizziness pointed her to that claim. but during visits before that, she had said i had an athritis that attacks the veins on my temples. long before that she had said i'm one of 30% of the world population that suffers from low blood pressure. i told her to make up her mind. she said that to be sure i'd have to do a scan of my head; there could be something growing in it. oops! am i growing extra brain or what? anyhow, that scared me ... for a moment.

a car breaks down because of an engine failure, or a radiator leak, or a host of other reasons. but it just needs one reason to break down. like a car, i need just one reason to die -- old age, disease, or a host of other reasons. this could be the reason. who knows. but i'll surely die one day.

i'm still happy today. let's see if i'll be glowing in the dark tonight. woooo hoooo!

it was about a month ago -- or to be exact on thursday feb 19 -- that i blogged to have my heart be unbroken.

on friday, feb 20 someone miraculously showed up to put the pieces back together. the conversation was light and easy. but the connection made was meaningful.

the proposition was a simple, "so ... would you care to join?"
the reply, accompanied by that unforgettable smile, was an anticipating "call, call, call ..."

today my heart feels lighter.

i am very happy i can say. i owe it to one wonderful soul who shares the same experience with me. we are running away as fast as we can from the gushes and wounds of the past while sharing the same present emotions.

and to this soul i would like to wish, "welcome into my folds and have a pleasant stay."

yesterday i facilitated a workshop for the board of directors of a subsidiary, to help them see the line of sight from the corporate vision down to the the implementation strategies for one of their high-profile projects.

the project team that the board is overseeing is so bogged down with the operational matters in their project that the team cannot give a broader picture to the board. the team fails to show the forest; instead, it keeps telling about the trees. the board, staffed with people with project management experience who enjoy details, gets sucked into the spiral.

recently the board reached a point where they couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. the board of directors got lost. they didn't know where to head. they were overwhelmed by the trees. they screamed for help. my group came in to the rescue.

it is gratifying when i helped lift the board members out of the thick of the trees, bring them up to the level where they can see the forest, and give a sense of confidence to them to point the project team to some direction.

the board members now understand the intent (or objective) of the strategies the team chose that brought about all the issues. the breakthrough to go forward was achieved when the intent was questioned. this is one powerful application of double-loop learning which was theorized by chris argyris.

someone said that we should blog insights, instead of just writing down things we did (which would become a diary).

i say we should blog both. by having a record of what we did and how we felt, we could one day read again and get an insight of ourselves.

ok then ... what have i done today? i've nursed my headache in the morning. i've been busy at work since then although the throbbing persists. i've completed the pack to facilitate a workshop with the board of directors of a company.

i'm feeling at the top of the world today. great friends surround me (bad ones have been chucked out of my life, remember?)

now, back to work ... after a cigarette, of course ;-)

there's this feature in the software that i'm using to undo text editing. just type ctrl-z and the last editing will disappear.

if only life had the same feature to undo things that i've done ... *sigh*

well, life isn't software. and like frankie said: "regrets, i've had a few; but then again, too few to mention ..."

it's saturday and i'm in the office. aaaarrggghhhhh!!!!!

i'm a bit under the weather. my head feels giddy when i stare at this screen. walking about makes me feel better but when i sit down again i feel worse. i'm on the borderline of having a fever i guess. some people i know are already down with flu or something. the bug must be in the air.

yesterday as i walked past a shop i saw a red chair. suddenly my mind reeled back to some unpleasant moments. it was on a red chair that i cried my heart out, pleading and begging and ... stop! i'm not going to go through that moment again. it's bloody painful.

yesterday too i had a discussion to review my performance with my boss. it's a yearly thing we do. some people really go for high rating. but high rating doesn't motivate me much. there's a small impact on the paycheck but the excitement doesn't last long.

what i value most from the review is the feedback i get. tell me about my strengths so that i can capitalise on them; tell me about my weaknesses so that i can improve them; having the boss to be pleased with my performance is a bonus. however, knowing that i exceed the challenges that i set before me is the most gratifying and motivates me to raise my own bar.

well, i've got to add some comments made by my boss into the appraisal form. it's in a database somewhere and it's crawling. i'd better get to it now.

i've got to squint my eyes harder as i get giddier. maybe a cigarette may help ;-) fooooh fooooh

over the weekend during the outing i had a chance to have some conversation with e78. we moved from one topic to another until she started to talk about her past. i discovered that she's been hurt recently. it's the case of giving all the best but even the best was not good enough. that case was familiar to me. what i've gone through recently made it easier for me to understand her experience. in turn, i related my own experience to her. we're kindred spirits in that manner.

a few moments the atmosphere turned quiet and sombre as we stared deep into space and replayed those painful moments. but i found out that expressing the experience to someone who has gone through the same helps a lot.

since she felt the hurt until the present, i asked her how long it has been. she said it's been a year and the pain was still there. i guess i have to bear the pain for that long or may be longer.

anyway, my group had good fun over the weekend (having someone in the group as my kindred made it much better). we went to pee bee (until a police truck came in and took away some people and all the fun) and then moved to another place until 3. then we had something to munch and by 4 headed to our place to retire for the night (rather, morning).

i call e78 by the name of "moot" which is short for "semut". why? that's for us to know and for the rest of you to mind your own bloody business.

i'm feeling a bit under the weather this morning. i've been sneezing since i got into the office. my head is spinning and giddy. my boss donated two paracetamol pills. i ate an orange in the pantry. i've been smoking like usual though; damned this nicotine.

now, back to work. errr ... after another cigarette, i mean.

last evening a good friend of mine informed me that a 17-year old boy she's been tutoring was involved in an accident. the boy passed away later in the night.

the news reminded me that the only sure thing in life is death, and that we start dying the day we begin our life.

God Almighty is The One "who created death and life that He may try you ..." [Al-Mulk:2]

why did He mention death first? death is the end. we always begin anything with an end in mind.

change is inevitable.

change comes in all facets and happens all the time. as seconds past things get more or things get less; winds blow from east to west or north to south; clouds get thick or clouds get thin; situations get better or situations get worse; feelings grow or feelings wither.

we acknowledge that change takes place. it would be good if we could control the change. but it would be frustrating to control change as most of the times change is beyond our control. therefore, what matters is how we cope with change.

coping with change is preparing our thinking, feeling and behaviours on the foreseeable and not-so-forseeable change. some people prepare for change by meticulous planning; some take it one day at a time.

i am not sure into which category of people i fall. preparing too much for change tires me; not preparing at all scares me.

i guess i will just accept that change does come. that way i won't be too shocked when change comes subtly or drastically. i'll cross the bridge when i get to it.

last night i went to the club to check out the new band. it didn't feel as warm as before -- when we arrived no one was there to welcome us. we used to be greeted by the band boys who made us feel like home.

this new band is not as good as the previous one. maybe i kinda missed the previous one. i'll get used to this new one. but the night was saved by the good company i had with me. in our group was e78.

who's e78? my first encounter with her was on monday 16 feb. then again on thursday, and on the third time on friday i asked her out to join my group and she agreed. since then she's been a regular feature in our outings.

she's actively involved in politics, and one of the prominent figures in the movement in her housing area. when she speaks in the phone with whomever calls her, she exudes confidence and seems dependable. and she has one very sweet smile that seems to stick in your mind.

easy going with a good personality to match, she's interesting and i like hanging out with her. i hope we can be good friends.