when i came back to this country, the first car i had was a german car. then i moved on to locally assembled japanese variants labelled as "national cars" and now i'm driving a german car again.

in ten years i plan to get a four-door mercedes. and after retirement i want to drive an slk. i have always perceived mercedes as reliable cars. i want to drive worry-free like my father.

my father has been driving a honda accord for the past fourteen years. the car has never been to a workshop for major breakdowns. it is still running comfortably and reliably in town and on highways. he drives it 140km/h on long-haul journeys.

he's a retired teacher; so, a honda after retirement suits him well. but i want to up the ante and i plan to get a mercedes.

well, the plan has to be put on hold effective today after a friend showed me an article in fortune magazine on the degradation of quality in mercedes cars.

ok, enough of my what used to be my dream car.

i went up north to meet my parents over the weekend. my father celebrated his birthday on the 27th. he's old but with no major ailments. i have to make a point to visit them more frequently to make up lost time. i stayed with my parents only until i was 12 after which i went to a government boarding school for five years and then to the united states on scholarship from a government-owned company.

my father once introduced me to his friends as the "government's son" because i was practically raised by the government.

my relationship with them is at arm's length. i call them every four weeks or so. i love them. i know they love me too. but we don't really show the love. i've only started to hug my father two or three years ago. i made the move to hug him. it felt awkward at first as it was too late in life that we started to do it. but it's never too late i guess. i've heard from my friends their regrets for not telling their fathers that they love their folks.

this august i'm making another visit, god willing. this one is an annual ritual. august is when the company pays out the bonus. i share some of it with my parents. they don't really need the money. they have plenty of it (more than i do). and there's no amount of money that can equal what they put in to raise me. but giving it makes me feel good because they appreciate whatever little i give them.

i observe that there's something else my father and i like to do. when i was younger i used to pinch his shirts, belts, or shoes. it made me feel good to be in his clothes.

last year he visited me and stayed at my place. i was in the office when he called me to tell me that he was leaving. then he asked if he could have a pair of my shoes. i had polished that particular pair, stuffed them in a plastic bag, and shoved them on the shoe shelf, procastinated to change the heels. i told him to come over to town and i'd buy him a new pair. but he didn't mind the heels he told me.

he has finer shoes and surely he can afford a new pair. but he insisted on having mine. on a few occasions before that he wanted to have my shirts. maybe that's how we show our bond, by wearing each other's clothes. it's my pleasure to give him whatever belongings i have.

i love you dad. and happy belated birthday to you from a non-conforming, rebellious son.

a song i heard during the morning drive to the office ...

Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me
If I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

~ Waiting For A Girl Like You - Foreigner

it's the end of the work week. i came to office this morning with the late night news about the abused maid still playing in my mind. that news would end the string of depressing news for the week, so i thought. boy, was i wrong.

i got into office, powered up my notebook and checked my in-box. what i saw in the e-mail this morning made me tremble -- images of women being violated by soldiers, supposedly to be in one of the war-torn countries in the middle-east. reading news is one thing, but looking at images has a different impact.

violated, helpless, scared, painful, humiliated ... i can't find enough adjectives to describe the expressions i see in the faces of the women. this you can't get from the news.

rape has been used throughout history as a psychological propaganda during war time; but, never do i condone rape either at war or in peace. keep the war among the fighting men and leave women, children and infirms alone.

rape is a form of violence. this is one of the circumstances that doesn't allow me to flee from violence. putting myself in the shoes of the innocent victims' countrymen, i would surely retort to violence. yes, i'm angry. i'm emotional. who isn't? remember, "violence begets violence."

i'm an average joe on the street. if i feel this way, i believe a lot of other average joes feel the same. silent we may be, but deep inside us we harbor this sentiment.

enough of this. i'm checking out for the week. adios muchachos and senoritas.

i've always stayed apolitical and i want to keep it that way. but reading the news this week has depressed me real bad, from humanistic point of view that is. the onslaught on the palestinians, the torturing of iraqi prisoners, the beheading of a captive ... but the straw that breaks this camel's back is the torture of a maid right here on my home land.

all this violence reminds me what the prime minister of malaysia said, "violence begets violence."

i've seen pictures of maids hurting babies under their care. i've seen pictures of maids abused by their employers. in this maid's case i don't know what triggered the rage in her employer. if the maid started the violence, she's got what she gave. if the employer, on the other hand, started this violence, then violence will befall the employer.

no, i'm not for violence. neither am i vengeful. i was constantly reminded by my master of self defence to flee from violence if i'm faced with it. but if under the circumstances that don't allow me to flee from violence, i will have no choice but to retort to violence.

the prime minister is right.

just before lunch i got news that an office mate's child (aged 6) just passed away. two minutes ago i got a text message saying that an ex-school mate gave birth to a baby.

the cycle continues ...

On the way to the office this morning a song was on the radio that made me shake & roll. What a way to kick-off Monday morning ...

I've got chills
They're multiplying
And I'm losing control
Cause the power you're supplying
It's electrifying

~ You're the One That I Want, Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta

Glenn Frey, The Heat Is On, 1985

The heat is on, on the street
Inside your head, on every beat
And the beat's so loud, deep inside
The pressure's high, just to stay alive
'Cause the heat is on

woooo hoooo!

dear e,

it is may. it has not been long since our paths crossed and brought me to know you but it seems that i've known you all my life.

your appearance in my life is so unexpected. it is like a ray of sun in a long antartic winter. soon i found out that i am your ray of sun, too, as we share a similar past.

we were both betrayed. we endured bitterness and pain (although you had to suffer more). we carried the anger and frustration. we cried while our hearts burnt to ashes. no one knows the agony except for us.

those who hurt us easily forget the extent of damage they have caused to us. but we who have been hurt will never forget it. the experience will be a part of our history. let us learn from that history and not repeat it on each other. we've become more cautious now and we know what matters most to us. i know what you need most and you know what i need most.

let us leave the past behind and live the day. there's a whole new future in front of us to work on. thank you for taking me as i am. i cannot offer you much; but, whatever i give will be my best.

although i feel like i've known you all my life, getting to know each other is a lifetime effort. and i want to spend my lifetime getting to know you, god willing.

signing off with lots of love.

it was almost two decades ago that i packed my stuff and made the journey to the other side of the globe.

more of that in the blogs to come ...

this one got in through e-mail. nifty, blogspot.com!

everybody does it. i want to do it too.

wishing all mothers a (belated) happy mother's day.

oh ya ... there's something historical i need to blog here. there's something perched on my nose while i'm typing this.

yep. last week i picked up my reading glasses. this is the first time i'm using optical aid, apart from my sunglasses that is. the power is not that much. it's the astigmatism that bothers me. maybe my eyesight has been the cause for my headache all this while.

since few months back i couldn't read my novels past three pages without feeling irritated. worse still, when i was having my meals i had to really scrutinize my plate to differentiate the ants from the carbonized food due to over-frying. to see the black specks clearly i had to back my eyes far away from the plate; but, the farther i tilted my head back the tinier the specks became and i still couldn't make out what the black specks were. at the end i had to swallow them anyway. it was frustrating to say the least.

now i can read again with less strain. i am continuing with king of torts by grisham which i abandoned two months ago after reading only a few pages. i can see the food clearly now although the glasses keep sliding down my slippery nose when i eat fiery hot prawn tomyam soup ... oh dear god the tomyam in thailand is heavenly! beads of sweat streamed from my scalp down my neck and forehead and nose and all parts of my body while i kept shoving food non-stop into my mouth. i'm definitely going there again, god willing. ok enough of that.

but with the new sight comes reality. the first day i wore the glasses at work i had to attend a meeting. next to me was a lady whom i thought all the while had a smooth complexion. while i was reading a paper the lady next to me leaned over to say something to me. i looked at her through my glasses. the glasses revealed enough details to make me remove my glasses so that some of the fantasies remained.

a friend of mine remarked that i just added 10 years to my age with the glasses on. so, glasses, back you go in your case after i click on the "Post & Publish" button.

the more i try to confront the past, the more i get bogged down by it, and the less i get to focus on the present.

granted, the past has shaped me to what i am today. i've learnt something though. i stop confronting the past and the past will let me sail. that's what i've gathered during my short break in the last few days.

on thursday night i hopped on a bus heading north and made my way across the border. i spent four nights there, eating good food and enjoying every minute of it with my company. originally i had planned to take a 10-day break but i had to cancel my leave and cut it down to 5 days.

during the trip i did have the inevitable conversations about the past. instead of talking about the details of the past, i examined how the past should be handled. i've concluded that it should be left alone. i think i am getting successful with that. i noticed too that because of the past, i am now very cautious about the future. there are areas that i am willing to fight for, and areas that i don't have the will or strength to fight again.

loyalty in companionship is still top on my list. i will give loyalty and commitment. for those who betray me, i don't have the will or strength to maintain them as my companion -- i will dissolve the companionship soonest.

anyway, i feel much better after the trip. no more headaches or fever spell when i got back here in kl. strangely though, as i started work this morning, i began sneezing. maybe i'm allergic to work ;-)

it's time to plan for my next trip. chieng mai maybe?

woooo hoooo