when the think tank reshapes itself ...

the corporation is readying itself for the global championship. the think tank unit in which i'm a part of is reshaping itself to navigate the change. i'm one of the guys in the team to reshape this unit.

part of the reshaping effort is re-designing its organisation structure and staffing it with the right people. the structure is smaller. the people we want are the best of the best. meaning, i may not be a part of this think tank unit anymore.

i started out here reshaping other units, and the reshaping of my own unit may be the last assignment for me here.

eid mubarak to all, albeit belated.

here's a list of FAQs or Frequently Answered Questions i gave about my raya (a lot of questions were frequently asked but i didn't bother to answer).

q: where did you spend your raya?
a: south. go figure.

q: when did you leave kl?
a: thursday 11.30 pm from kl. the traffic was light and i could drive 130 - 140 km/h under the cover of darkness.

q: how was the raya?
a: it was fun. i got to see the incredibles!

q: how's the movie?
a: it's fun. it's my movie of the year. i recommend you go see it. it's a feel good movie. it's fast paced, has got good story line and fantastic animation. by the way, at the end the family lives happily. and jack jack, the youngest in the family, has superpower too. he can metamorph. did i spoil it for you? i'm sorry *snigger snigger*

q: when did you get back in kl?
a: tuesday 12.30 noon. the traffic was still smooth when i was on the road. the drive was boring as i could do only 110 km/h.

q: when did you start working?
a: i work all the time. i was in the office from wednesday.

q: you started work early. have you run out of your leave days?
a: no. i have plenty more. i'm gonna use them in december.

q: where are you going for your leave?
a: either phuket, medan, or borneo. haven't decided. weather-wise, phuket is the best bet.

q: oh ... that's nice.
a: any other questions? no? ok. selamat hari raya to you then. maaf zahir batin.

my all-time favourite song came out on the air the other day. i've been admiring this song ever since i knew how to listen to songs. here goes ...

Alangkah sedihnya hati ku
Duka meliputi kalbu ku
Kekasih di hati sudah jemu pada ku
Tapi tetap ku tunggu

Kekasih yang lain di temu
Hati ku berdarah dan pilu
Namun tetap ku merayu pada mu kasih ku
Kembalilah pada ku

Duhai kekasih ku rindu pada mu
Jangan kau niaya aku
Cinta ku kasihanlah

Tapi tak mengapa ku derita
Nanti tiba masa kan kau rasa
Betapa hebatnya hati luka kecewa
Gagal dalam bercinta ...

~ Tak Mengapa by A Rahman Hassan

friday nite 11.30 pm i started driving up north. driving at that time, off-festivities, was a bliss. cars were sparse. the weather was great - no rain that nite.

stopped by a rest area by the river to have mee rebus for 30 minutes. doing 130 - 140 km/h, i arrived at my parents' 4.15am saturday.

mom and her maid was busy preparing sahur. dad looked ok. i was glad to see that he's doing much better. saw some medications on the kitchen cabinet which looked like the ones i'm taking.

like father, like son.

*yawn* we're at mid-point of ramadhan.

on the average i've been sleeping at 2am every night (morning?), wake up to eat at 4 or 5 am, and then nap again till 6.30am.

i'm a bit slow physically; but i'm not weak. i've walked miles in ramadhan which i don't do off-ramadhan.

i yawn now and then; but my mind is as sharp as, if not sharper than, any other month.

fasting, if done as prescribed by God, is amazing.

tonite i'm driving up north to spend fasting over the weekend with my parents.

yes i'm alive. i'm feeling great because of ramadhan. and this ramadhan my conscience is as clear as the sea around perhentian island.

the notion of working in a corporation is losing its luster real fast. past few weeks my mind has been toying with the idea of getting into farming. it's getting serious as i'm drawing up a business plan for it. i bounced the idea with some friends and surprisingly either they are directly involved with it, or their relatives are. we're not talking about the hoe-and-rake kind of farming here. we're talking high-tech and highly-mechanised farming.

let's see how far i get into this.

this morning heard a song Gadis Melayu by Othman Hamzah on the way to the office. my oh my ... it really teleported me back to my teenage time, when we were getting ourselves familiar with courting girls ... heheheheh ...

here's a snippet of that song ...

Siapa bilang gadis melayu tak menawan
Tak menarik hati, tiada memikat
Kalaulah memang tak mungkin aku tertarik
Kalaulah sungguh tak mungkin aku kan jatuh

wooo hooo!

by yesterday i successfully introduced e78 to all the wc-girls. e78 and the girls seemed to be able to get along very well. one of the girls came up to me and whispered "she's so sweeeeeet" ...

who are these wc-girls? well, they are my friends, very close and dear to me. they never fail to lend their ears to listen to me when i need to speak my heart out. they rejoice when i rejoice, they listen when i mourn. their contribution to me is immesuarable.

we will meet again to eat, probably for the breaking of fast in ramadhan. and we plan to do some private partying after raya for one of them who's getting hitched soon, if we can squeeze in some time. and i still intend to take them for a holiday across the border by end of the year.

wooo hooo ...

last wednesday i got the chance to stay at
Shangri-La Putrajaya, a boutique hotel in the new administrative capital of malaysia. it's perched on a small hill right in the middle of putrajaya. my room faced the prime minister's office.

i checked out on thursday and drove to the east coast using the new highway. it was raining pretty heavily. stayed at hyatt kuantan and came back to kl saturday.

from 20 september to 1 october i only worked two days. the rest of the days i was on sick leave. my fever was not subsiding. it came and it went. my lungs made some noise when i breathe. my general practitioner referred me to a specialist as she suspected me to suffer from pneumonia or tuberculosis.

so i went to see a chest specialist. i had to take an x-ray of my lungs; did a blood, urine, and spitum test. the results were negative. to my relieve, i am free of pneumonia or tuberculosis. neither am i diabetic.

so what has been my ailment? to my disbelief, the doctor told me that i have an adult onset asthma.

i was given a lot of pills to swallow and an inhaler.

i called up my gp and told her that i was happy about the discovery, that it's not pneumonia or tuberculosis but asthma. she hesitated, and responded with "errr ... emm ... well, yes, of course we are relieved."

i detected something in her tone of voice and asked her what she really thought about it. she said that pneumonia and tuberculosis can be cured but adult onset asthma can only be managed.

it means that asthma is something that i have to live with.


~ be at sea level and rivers will flow to you ~

been sick since saturday. got this bad lung infection. still on medication. first day in the office today. and it's already friday.

greetings from pangkor laut. been here since saturday. this place is generally good. it's a private island. we can have privacy in the villas. the services are impecable; the staff smile are pleased to serve and always wear a smile. transportation from one point to another is provided; just call and a van or a four-wheel drive will pick us up.

there is a small bay, called the emerald bay. the water is emerald in colour. i had the chance to track down and crack open rock oysters on the beach; those were the freshest oysters i ever ate.

i'm heading down south to kl later in the day. god willing, i'll be back to this place in one year's time.


~ be at sea level and rivers will flow to you ~

talked to dad this afternoon. he's gonna be discharged later this afternoon. told him that i planned to drive up north after office today but he insisted that he's gonna be ok (typical response).

anyway, i'm going to see him this friday, god willing. i don't want to look back and regret anything. he's my dad. there's only one like him in this whole world.

dad called yesterday morning telling me he's having a fever. he asked if the house renovation and i told him it's completed and offered to fly him in to stay over.

got news from sis this morning that dad is in the hospital. called mom and she said not to worry (of course ...), so i'm on standby to bolt to north on a very short notice.

i hope my dear father is getting better.

have i told you that jerry is actually geri? i discovered jerry's a female a day after i posted the story about it.

dear Malaysia and her people,

i wish you selamat hari merdeka come 31st august. i wasn't there when the the father of independence hailed "merdeka! merdeka! merdeka!" (no, it's not that i couldn't make it to the gathering; rather, i wasn't born yet).

i could imagine, nevertheless, how the voice was carried by the wind, vibrating the eardrums of the people and energising the spirit of independence.

some countries spilt blood to gain their independence; ours was gained by ink. but i'm ready to spill my blood to protect the independence of my country. that is my pledge to my God-blessed land.

the preparation to celebrate merdeka day is at its peak. the foot of the tallest twin towers in the world is already abuzz with people. it's only mid afternoon but the place is beginning to pack. barricades to control the flow of pedestrians have been put up. those of us working in the towers have received orders to roll down all the blinds before we leave the office this evening "to ensure maximum effects of the towers' external lighting." i have to say that these towers look magnificent when they are showered with the lights.

anyway, with all the crowd down there i feel a bit restless. this place will come to a standstill by 6 pm. i'm checking out at 5 sharp.

again, selamat menyambut hari merdeka! and God bless Malaysia and her people.

This is Tom, my pest controller in residence. He was a sickly stray three weeks ago. He's been well taken care of since and he's doing perfectly well now. His duty is to keep rodents out. I leave the door ajar 24x7 for him to come and go.

There's another one called Jerry, less than three weeks old. He was abandoned by his mother in front of my home on Sunday. I picked him up and followed the mother but she kept a distance. Once in a while she would peek across the street. But she would go away everytime I tried to leave Jerry with her. So I assumed that she wanted to leave Jerry under my care. He's having a cold. His nose is runny. Sometimes he sneezes. I need to take him to the vet but I'm too busy day and night. This Saturday maybe.

It's been only four days but Jerry has made me-cassa-a-his-cassa. He's black with a small white patch on his throat. His favourite spot to sleep at night is on the coffee table beside the sofa I sleep on. He tried to climb on it just now by clinging on the tablecloth but the tablecloth slipped and went he down on the floor with the tablecloth. So now he's fast asleep, curled like a black furry ball on the crumpled tablecloth.

Tom is a bully. He pounces on Jerry all the time. Luckily for Jerry, Tom is out and about now doing whatever he does at night. I hear some cling-clang in the kitchen. That must be Tom on the prowl for roaches. He's on his rounds now.

It puzzles me. I'm suddenly 'swarmed' with cats. They're godsent, I guess, somehow, maybe. I take it as a good sign anyway :-)

last night i went out to see e78 for a drink. we were at our usual drinking hole that we call "big glass" where drinks are served in gigantic proportion.

that's our favourite place to drink and smoke and chat about life, love and business.

she was still looking a bit upset about what happened to my car although i did not attribute any blame on her. she fell responsible for it eventhough it wasn't her fault. she had been feeling guilty; to me that's a sign of a very responsible person. by last night i was very much mellowed down already. there's no point worrying about what happened. worrying won't change things. i'm just focusing on what to do next. and it's not much of a hassle anyway. minor.

what to do next is more interesting ... i'm shopping for a car for her. a used bmw, a vitara, or an accord. that should keep me occupied.

i really want to see her to be up to speed in this business. she's doing this full time. but business is moving but a bit slower from my expectation. we don't have much merchandise to go around. that's because our capital is tied down. we're waiting for the first money to come in end of the month. that will cover our capital and a bit of profit. the next instalment will be purely profit. i hope the customers don't default on us :-|

good news is that i'm gonna get my bonus tomorrow. i can use that to inject more capital into this. that should keep e78 busy buying and selling.

hey ... suddenly i'm browsing the 'net looking for another car. right, one more car. it's fulfilling an obligation i guess.

Recently I was driving on the highway. My mind was wandering from one point in life to the other until I was drawn back by a song playing on the radio ... "Kau kunci cintaku di dalam hati mu ..."

It was sung by Ramlah Ram, a very popular artist in the 80’s. That song won some awards if my memory serves me right. She sang the song with a ligthed heart (literally) on her sequin-embroidered, body hugging white gown. My older brother adored (still adores?) her like most men (me not included) adore Siti Nurhaliza now. I was preoccupied with Bruce Springsteen and Madonna and Cyndi Lauper then so I did not have the chance to admire her. Neither had I paid any attention to the song before.

But that day I did give my full attention to the lyrics. That day I heard the singer pronounce each and every word as I immersed myself in the meaning of the lyrics. The lyrics were wonderful, the composition immaculate.

I noticed something in the pronunciation. Those were the days when "cinta" was still pronounced as "cinta", not "shinta"; "hati" was still "hati" and not "hatchi" (pronounce it and make sure your spits jump your teeth).

So, if we were to sing Ramlah's song now, it would sound like "Kau kunshee shintaku di dalam hatchi mu ..." Ugly isn't it?

I used to like the petite Sheila Majid when she sang "Sinaran" but I dropped her from my list when she started to pronounce it as "Shinaran."

and yes!

there's a plan for tonight. a good buddy is posted overseas and will be leaving soon. so, a farewell party is in order.

toga! toga! toga!

wooo hooo

hello 0123226486,

you called me last sunday while i was abroad. i'm sorry i didn't answer your call because i don't know who you are and because answering your call would be expensive to me.

anyway, thanks for calling.

this blog of mine seems tired and needs a bit of sprucing up ... later, when i have the time.

yup, crossed the border up north last friday, came back in the small hours of monday. had to facilitate a group of corporate big guns tuesday and wednesday. overwhelmed with work today. no after office activities at all *sigh*

physically tired; mentally, still sane.

checking out now. need to run some boring chores before 8 and meet a friend later in the evening.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter, bitter," he answered
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart."

~ Stephen Crane (1871-1900)

With regrets ...

A prominent figure, Tan Sri Dato' Seri Azizan Zainul Abidin has passed away peacefully this morning at the age of 69.

May God Almighty have mercy on his soul.

This song has been playing in my head this past few days.

This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before

~ This Love by Maroon 5

They were three main players in the systems development group -- me and another two friends. Our capital expenditure budget was never less than 20 million bucks a year. As the core group, we were the hive of IT activities in the oil & gas exploration company. The boss trusted us to run projects autonomously. We were kings of our own little hills. We had breakfast and lunch together almost daily. We played games together after office.

That was about five years ago. Then one guy left to head the IT operations somewhere in Borneo. Later on I moved to join the corporate arena with the holding company. Shortly after my move, another one was transferred to head the IT operations in the east coast. Our communication was sparse but the friendship, deeply intact.

Since the dispersal, I noticed that I was less strong to go through my crises as there's no one near to share. These two guys know me and my world. They may not have approved of what I did but they understood me. I have few friends, and those few I have, I really treasure them. And I treasure these two.

It's been a long while since we sat down and talked. Yesterday was almost a celebration. We met for lunch. We talked about the same topics, the same problem areas, but different stories.

The east coast guy has been transferred back here. I'm pushing and hoping for the Borneo guy to come back. Now older and having gone through the same crises (proving that we are none the wiser), I believe we are bound stronger. I foresee I'm going to have a bumpy ride ahead of me. I'll sure be glad if they're around me again. They are my emotional crutches.

Friendship Day is 1st August. To these two guys, allow me the pleasure to wish you a Happy Friends Day in advance.

Thank you for being my buddies.

some rare breed of people condescendingly say that petronas work culture is like that of the government. i call these people rare because they are blind and deaf but can still talk, albeit half-brainlessly.

these people may still choose to remain blind and deaf. let them be. for the rest of us who can see, listen and think i'm sharing with you all another view. sidek kamiso wrote in the star ...

"Petronas’ achievements show that even a government-linked company can be a commercial success, balancing its hunger for more profit with its role as a good corporate citizen."

"Petronas' hallmark is its corporate culture that enables it to respond to the changing business environment. For the past 30 years, it has demonstrated its capabilities, knowledge and skills to undertake major upstream and downstream projects in a variety of geographic and business environments."

petronas is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year. it has made record profit as if to commemorate the anniversary. as a contribution to the nation and the people, it's paying billions in tax. well, numbers will explain it better.

i like orange. the colour, i mean. i started to like the colour a couple of years ago. before that, my favourites were blue and brown. my office wardrobe consists of white and blue shirts. i have an orange shirt. whenever i garb that shirt i feel light-hearted. but i can't imagine wearing orange pants. whenever i shop for clothes my eyes are always directed to the orange ones.

orange on a wall in the house is nice, too. not on all walls, but on a feature wall. orange on a mini (the original, not the bmw) looks cute, but not suitable on a merz. an orange mobile phone looks fun and delectable.

in fact, i like all shades of and similarities to orange, saffron and vermillion included. i consider vermillion as the more agressive orange. i like the spelling v-e-r-m-i-l-l-i-o-n.

i like orange because it's the colour of the sun, i guess. the bright saffron sun lighting up the light blue sky and the lightly scattered white clouds in the morning lifts my spirit high. the orange sun in the afternoon begs me to go out and play. sometimes the sun takes on the colour of vermillion when it is about to set. the sight of the vermillion sun against the grayish blue sky getting ready to set calms me down.

what has prompted me to write about my liking for the colour orange? the colour of the blogger(tm) logo reminds me of it.

i've got it! i've got it! i've got it! everybody wants one and i've got it!

i've got a gmail account! it is totally cool.

you want one? teee heee heee ... try your luck at gmailswap.

wooo hooo!

one morning eight months ago i walked into the elevator to go up to my office in the sky. my head was lifelessly wilted down, my eyes staring at the floor in between my feet. i ignored another man in the elevator until his deep voiced boomed, "you look devastated."

those words resonated deep into my chest. with tears building up in my eyes, i gathered my strength and looked at the vicinity of his face and said, "yes, i am."

the elevator stopped and opened its doors halfway up to the sky. i had to catch another elevator to reach the sky. i dragged my feet and he let me out first. as i walked away his voice boomed again, "take it easy." i just nodded without even looking at him. tears were already flowing down my cheeks.

devastated, i was then. it was a dark moment.

but, wait. it was then. this is now.

sunshine, i am now.

yesterday i had coffee with my good buddy. at the first sight of me, he greeted, "you look radiant! the weekend must have been great." indeed i was shining. indeed the weekend was great.

and of course, a song comes to mind ...

I'm walking on sunshine
and don't it feel good!

~ Katrina and The Waves

woooo hoooo

it was a wonderful trip! the beach is great; it's private, no trespassers. the hotel, splendid. the food, good. the company, needless to say, excellent. will go there again, definitely (god willing, that is).

it was hazy on friday but the sky was clear saturday and yesterday. got back into kl sunday after sun down.

this morning was a bit of a drag. had to start off the week co-facilitating a group of people from a small subsidiary. the pounding headache came back in the middle of the session.

have to brief a big gun of the holding company shortly. reviewing the paper to refresh my mind about the subject matter. can't go pass ten pages with this headache.

hope i can survive two more hours in the office.

today is thursday, but it's the last day of the work week for me. yah!

i will be spending the long weekend on a slow-paced island far away from this haze-stricken city. alone? na-ah!

woooo hoooo

deeds, good or bad, are our legacy. often we are remembered by the last deeds we do.

neither words of thanks nor pleas of forgiveness can ever compensate for deeds.

I've been assigned to lead the Research Team in this think-tank unit. Finally.

Bulan madu di awan biru
Tiada yang menggangu (sic)
Bulan madu di atas pelangi
Hanya kita berdua
Mengecap nikmat cinta
Yang putih tak terbanding
Sesuci embun pagi

~ Fantasia Bulan Madu by Search

We are a ball-centric society. Put a ball in the middle of the field and 70,000 people will crowd around it. And thanks to the satellite and communications technology, another 7 million pairs of eyes will be glued to the TV sets following the ball - small ball, big ball, round ball, oval ball being hit, kicked, tossed, or scrambled.

The universal favourite game that uses a ball is football or soccer. Believe me you, 33.4 billion people watched football in 1998. If a person spent just one hour watching football, that would translate to 33.4 billion man-hours. Imagine if we had 33.4 billion man-hours at our disposal. What could have we achieved even with bare hands with that kind of resource? Plant more trees? Toil the land? Build river embankments? Build houses for the poor and homeless? That is the ideal me speaking.

Now it's time for the nostalgic me.

I am not much of a football fan. I do follow the game every four years when nations go to war over a cup which is known as the World Cup.

I caught my first World Cup fever when I was 12. I attended a boy school. There were 50 students in my classroom. Our desks were arranged in four rows. During physical education class each row became a team. My team called ourselves Argentina. The P. E. Teacher would kick two balls into the fields. We would scramble after the ball following the trajectory of the balls and take positions. In seconds two matches went on at the same time: Argentina vs. Brazil and England vs. Belgium.

We played barefooted. Football boots were not allowed to be worn. Those boots were beyond our reach anyway. We could taste those expensive football boots in our dreams. For those who had the money, they wore elastic ankle bandages. For those with less money, they wore on one ankle. For those without money like me, we relied on our skin and bones.

I played football in high school for recreation. When I was in college I played indoors. Now I only play foosball.

Yesterday I finally spoke to my boss' boss about my interests and strengths. I told him that I am better at doing something that requires intensive thinking. Leave me in a cave somewhere to come up with something new and I will crawl out of it with something brilliant. While I'm thinking I don't like to be pestered with ad-hoc and immediate requests; it's not that I can't deliver them but I will be distracted and my train of thoughts will be derailed.

We ended the conversation with him noting my feedback.

I believe I have high power of imagination, high power of analysis, and I can see things from a bigger perspective. I can take huge amounts of input and make some sense out of it.

I'd rather work alone. I will solicit ideas from others if I require them. My brother once told me that "teamwork happens when you are willing to trade a brilliant idea with a lousy one." But I'm expected to be a team player. OK, I'll be seen as a team player.

But i'm kind of low on being realistic. I'm a dreamer, remember?

a brush with a ghost from the past affected me. that's what happened yesterday.

i know i shouldn't let it bother me but it did. the indescribably sharp pain came back to strike me deep in the heart. vivid images from the past flooded my mind all at once. anger and hurt made a visit too.

i'm glad though that i was able to get a hold of myself and to keep my spirit high. it wasn't noticeable. i didn't have to talk it out with anybody. actually i chose not to talk about it because i guessed it would have made me worse. furthermore, it's a waste of time talking about a worthless thing with people i care.

i learned something, though, that some people don't believe in the adage "action speaks louder than words." one meaning of the adage is no matter what you say, it is your action that finally validates your words.

you say you like white but you always wear blue. say all you want, but we know you actually like blue and you lied about white.

as words come from the heart, your action is a reflection of what's inside your heart, too.

this morning has been traumatic. i'm still trembling -- my hands shaking, my stomach churning, my knees weak. tears are on the brink of flowing.

i can't think straight. i want to be somewhere alone. i'm taking leave from the office.

to the rest of the world, may peace be with you.

*yawn* slept after 2 last night finishing up another research paper. started life at 6.30 and my eyelids are heavy now. reviewed the paper with supervisor. am now updating it. already gulped down a cuppa and am waiting for the caffein to kick in.

but wait! there's this plan later in the evening. my hands tremble with anticipation. that should keep me going till 5.

hickory dickory dock,
my eyes are on the clock!

can't wait! can't wait!

when i came back to this country, the first car i had was a german car. then i moved on to locally assembled japanese variants labelled as "national cars" and now i'm driving a german car again.

in ten years i plan to get a four-door mercedes. and after retirement i want to drive an slk. i have always perceived mercedes as reliable cars. i want to drive worry-free like my father.

my father has been driving a honda accord for the past fourteen years. the car has never been to a workshop for major breakdowns. it is still running comfortably and reliably in town and on highways. he drives it 140km/h on long-haul journeys.

he's a retired teacher; so, a honda after retirement suits him well. but i want to up the ante and i plan to get a mercedes.

well, the plan has to be put on hold effective today after a friend showed me an article in fortune magazine on the degradation of quality in mercedes cars.

ok, enough of my what used to be my dream car.

i went up north to meet my parents over the weekend. my father celebrated his birthday on the 27th. he's old but with no major ailments. i have to make a point to visit them more frequently to make up lost time. i stayed with my parents only until i was 12 after which i went to a government boarding school for five years and then to the united states on scholarship from a government-owned company.

my father once introduced me to his friends as the "government's son" because i was practically raised by the government.

my relationship with them is at arm's length. i call them every four weeks or so. i love them. i know they love me too. but we don't really show the love. i've only started to hug my father two or three years ago. i made the move to hug him. it felt awkward at first as it was too late in life that we started to do it. but it's never too late i guess. i've heard from my friends their regrets for not telling their fathers that they love their folks.

this august i'm making another visit, god willing. this one is an annual ritual. august is when the company pays out the bonus. i share some of it with my parents. they don't really need the money. they have plenty of it (more than i do). and there's no amount of money that can equal what they put in to raise me. but giving it makes me feel good because they appreciate whatever little i give them.

i observe that there's something else my father and i like to do. when i was younger i used to pinch his shirts, belts, or shoes. it made me feel good to be in his clothes.

last year he visited me and stayed at my place. i was in the office when he called me to tell me that he was leaving. then he asked if he could have a pair of my shoes. i had polished that particular pair, stuffed them in a plastic bag, and shoved them on the shoe shelf, procastinated to change the heels. i told him to come over to town and i'd buy him a new pair. but he didn't mind the heels he told me.

he has finer shoes and surely he can afford a new pair. but he insisted on having mine. on a few occasions before that he wanted to have my shirts. maybe that's how we show our bond, by wearing each other's clothes. it's my pleasure to give him whatever belongings i have.

i love you dad. and happy belated birthday to you from a non-conforming, rebellious son.

a song i heard during the morning drive to the office ...

Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me
If I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

~ Waiting For A Girl Like You - Foreigner

it's the end of the work week. i came to office this morning with the late night news about the abused maid still playing in my mind. that news would end the string of depressing news for the week, so i thought. boy, was i wrong.

i got into office, powered up my notebook and checked my in-box. what i saw in the e-mail this morning made me tremble -- images of women being violated by soldiers, supposedly to be in one of the war-torn countries in the middle-east. reading news is one thing, but looking at images has a different impact.

violated, helpless, scared, painful, humiliated ... i can't find enough adjectives to describe the expressions i see in the faces of the women. this you can't get from the news.

rape has been used throughout history as a psychological propaganda during war time; but, never do i condone rape either at war or in peace. keep the war among the fighting men and leave women, children and infirms alone.

rape is a form of violence. this is one of the circumstances that doesn't allow me to flee from violence. putting myself in the shoes of the innocent victims' countrymen, i would surely retort to violence. yes, i'm angry. i'm emotional. who isn't? remember, "violence begets violence."

i'm an average joe on the street. if i feel this way, i believe a lot of other average joes feel the same. silent we may be, but deep inside us we harbor this sentiment.

enough of this. i'm checking out for the week. adios muchachos and senoritas.

i've always stayed apolitical and i want to keep it that way. but reading the news this week has depressed me real bad, from humanistic point of view that is. the onslaught on the palestinians, the torturing of iraqi prisoners, the beheading of a captive ... but the straw that breaks this camel's back is the torture of a maid right here on my home land.

all this violence reminds me what the prime minister of malaysia said, "violence begets violence."

i've seen pictures of maids hurting babies under their care. i've seen pictures of maids abused by their employers. in this maid's case i don't know what triggered the rage in her employer. if the maid started the violence, she's got what she gave. if the employer, on the other hand, started this violence, then violence will befall the employer.

no, i'm not for violence. neither am i vengeful. i was constantly reminded by my master of self defence to flee from violence if i'm faced with it. but if under the circumstances that don't allow me to flee from violence, i will have no choice but to retort to violence.

the prime minister is right.

just before lunch i got news that an office mate's child (aged 6) just passed away. two minutes ago i got a text message saying that an ex-school mate gave birth to a baby.

the cycle continues ...

On the way to the office this morning a song was on the radio that made me shake & roll. What a way to kick-off Monday morning ...

I've got chills
They're multiplying
And I'm losing control
Cause the power you're supplying
It's electrifying

~ You're the One That I Want, Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta

Glenn Frey, The Heat Is On, 1985

The heat is on, on the street
Inside your head, on every beat
And the beat's so loud, deep inside
The pressure's high, just to stay alive
'Cause the heat is on

woooo hoooo!

dear e,

it is may. it has not been long since our paths crossed and brought me to know you but it seems that i've known you all my life.

your appearance in my life is so unexpected. it is like a ray of sun in a long antartic winter. soon i found out that i am your ray of sun, too, as we share a similar past.

we were both betrayed. we endured bitterness and pain (although you had to suffer more). we carried the anger and frustration. we cried while our hearts burnt to ashes. no one knows the agony except for us.

those who hurt us easily forget the extent of damage they have caused to us. but we who have been hurt will never forget it. the experience will be a part of our history. let us learn from that history and not repeat it on each other. we've become more cautious now and we know what matters most to us. i know what you need most and you know what i need most.

let us leave the past behind and live the day. there's a whole new future in front of us to work on. thank you for taking me as i am. i cannot offer you much; but, whatever i give will be my best.

although i feel like i've known you all my life, getting to know each other is a lifetime effort. and i want to spend my lifetime getting to know you, god willing.

signing off with lots of love.

it was almost two decades ago that i packed my stuff and made the journey to the other side of the globe.

more of that in the blogs to come ...

this one got in through e-mail. nifty, blogspot.com!

everybody does it. i want to do it too.

wishing all mothers a (belated) happy mother's day.

oh ya ... there's something historical i need to blog here. there's something perched on my nose while i'm typing this.

yep. last week i picked up my reading glasses. this is the first time i'm using optical aid, apart from my sunglasses that is. the power is not that much. it's the astigmatism that bothers me. maybe my eyesight has been the cause for my headache all this while.

since few months back i couldn't read my novels past three pages without feeling irritated. worse still, when i was having my meals i had to really scrutinize my plate to differentiate the ants from the carbonized food due to over-frying. to see the black specks clearly i had to back my eyes far away from the plate; but, the farther i tilted my head back the tinier the specks became and i still couldn't make out what the black specks were. at the end i had to swallow them anyway. it was frustrating to say the least.

now i can read again with less strain. i am continuing with king of torts by grisham which i abandoned two months ago after reading only a few pages. i can see the food clearly now although the glasses keep sliding down my slippery nose when i eat fiery hot prawn tomyam soup ... oh dear god the tomyam in thailand is heavenly! beads of sweat streamed from my scalp down my neck and forehead and nose and all parts of my body while i kept shoving food non-stop into my mouth. i'm definitely going there again, god willing. ok enough of that.

but with the new sight comes reality. the first day i wore the glasses at work i had to attend a meeting. next to me was a lady whom i thought all the while had a smooth complexion. while i was reading a paper the lady next to me leaned over to say something to me. i looked at her through my glasses. the glasses revealed enough details to make me remove my glasses so that some of the fantasies remained.

a friend of mine remarked that i just added 10 years to my age with the glasses on. so, glasses, back you go in your case after i click on the "Post & Publish" button.

the more i try to confront the past, the more i get bogged down by it, and the less i get to focus on the present.

granted, the past has shaped me to what i am today. i've learnt something though. i stop confronting the past and the past will let me sail. that's what i've gathered during my short break in the last few days.

on thursday night i hopped on a bus heading north and made my way across the border. i spent four nights there, eating good food and enjoying every minute of it with my company. originally i had planned to take a 10-day break but i had to cancel my leave and cut it down to 5 days.

during the trip i did have the inevitable conversations about the past. instead of talking about the details of the past, i examined how the past should be handled. i've concluded that it should be left alone. i think i am getting successful with that. i noticed too that because of the past, i am now very cautious about the future. there are areas that i am willing to fight for, and areas that i don't have the will or strength to fight again.

loyalty in companionship is still top on my list. i will give loyalty and commitment. for those who betray me, i don't have the will or strength to maintain them as my companion -- i will dissolve the companionship soonest.

anyway, i feel much better after the trip. no more headaches or fever spell when i got back here in kl. strangely though, as i started work this morning, i began sneezing. maybe i'm allergic to work ;-)

it's time to plan for my next trip. chieng mai maybe?

woooo hoooo

i checked out "dreamer's reality" on google and it returned about 9,650 pages.

storm is brewing. thunders are growling. it's only 5 pm but it's getting real dark. no, this is not a suspense thriller. i'm describing the weather outside.

i'm checking out now.

i've been sick since last monday. last week i only came to office on tuesday. the doctor said it's the bug in the air and the weather could make it worse too.

thursday night i drove to the island up north to spend some quiet time. however, i was kept indoors by my cough and fever. it was a good trip overall.

my headache is still with me and i still feel feverish although the coughing has gone. i'm tired and i want to go home now. oh ya i need to stop by the shop to pick up a cheese cake. yummy!

Shattered Dreams by Johnny Hates Jazz is playing on the radio ... hmmmm .... it does bring back memories.

this song by spring has been my earworm since i woke up ...

kau dan aku sudah ditakdirkan bertemu
dan tiba-tiba kita jatuh cinta
ini semua sudah suratan ilahi
dan kita harus tabah hadapi kenyataan

translated, it means something like this ...

you and i were destined to meet
and to fall in love
this is all written by god
and we must be strong to face reality

woooo hoooooo!

one busy and very productive week it has been. april will be full of deadlines but i'm taking a short breather next weekend. can't wait can't wait ;-)

wooo hooo!

"kerusi merah gelegakkan darah,
kerusi biru bangkitkan rindu."

translated, the two lines read:
red chair boils my blood,
blue chair makes me aroused.

wooo hooo!

A Tribute to the Company

14 years even. that's how long i've been working for this company. i'll be in my fifteenth year tomorrow, god willing.

my objectives of working are to have fun, to learn, and to make money, in that order.

there's a lot of fun working here. for me fun comes in the form of surmounting challenges. the company is fast growing and making its mark globally. with rapid expansion comes confusion. i thrive in sorting out organisational confusion.

as it ventures into new businesses, penetrates new markets, and develops new technology for the nation, it brings in opportunities to acquire new knowledge. i've learned a lot from it. and there's a lot more to be learned here.

and as for the money, we know it's never enough. but what i earn is enough to put me in the lower-tier of middle-income bracket. i live comfortably.

it's been a good 14 years, with all the ups and downs, scars and stars. i still enjoy working here. for how much longer? god willing, until the fun ends, until learning gets boring, and until money is a concern, in that order.

let's see what's the next decade of service with this company turn me into ;-)

wooo hooo

age is a number that tells how long we have lived, not how wise we are.

it's been a long, exhausting, but fulfilling day. checking out now. hope to see the sun rise tomorrow morning. till then.

This morning my ex-boss (who has resigned from the company I'm working for) contacted me to offer a job. It's an IT position.

As he is also a friend of mine I did not want to disappoint him and I told him we could discuss.

At this moment my interest is no longer in IT. After spending 12 years in IT in enduser company, no more do I have the stamina and interest to develop applications from scratch; nor the patience to manage system integration projects and all the challenges; nor the design of a grand long term IT plan for a company. Been there, done that.

Now I see IT as only a part of the solution for an organisation. I know how it is relevant in an organisation as an enabler. That's all I care about IT. Get someone else to implement it.

I am more interested in the organisational improvement as a whole -- the clarity of vision and mission; long term business objectives and strategies; right people with right skills; systems and processes that move the organisation; management style; and how the organisation is structured. My job now involves all of these. For now I am still passionate about my job.

IT is only a part of the big picture. Let someone else work on the details. If I were to be offered an IT position I would accept it only if I were to head the IT outfit. Otherwise it won't be worth it.

Saturday 11 p.m. to Sunday 11 p.m. ... 24 hours of events that put me in a roller coaster.

In the first 12 hours I had to endure tests of acceptance, undivided loyalty, fulfilling obligation and communication. Throughout the tests I was happy and I was saddened. My heart was torn into two. I questioned loyalty and my loyalty was questioned. I had to face the risk of being labeled untrustworthy, and ultimately losing someone dear.

The next 12 hours was an enlightenment. The results slowly unfolded when the events were revisited. As answers to the mysteries came to light I discovered what I really wanted to hold dear to me, what was close to my heart. I learned more about accepting people as who they are; about being loyal to the people who are loyal to me; about fulfilling my obligation when it is called for; and about the importance of communicating intentions early and clearly.

The 24 hours were eventful. I came out with more confidence ...

"why are you smiling by yourself?"

"oh, am i?"

"yes you are."

"ok, i'll tell you the next time i'm going to smile. we'll smile together. are you ready? here we go ... 1, 2, 3, smile!"

heh heh heh ...

i was bound to my painful past by an elastic rubber rope.

everytime i tried to walk away from the past i was pulled back to the past by the rope. the farther i walked, the harder it was to take another step, and the stronger i was catapulted back to the past. at the end i always ended up slumping at the foot of the past, exhausted. the world was gloomy as i wallowed in the memories of the past.

i reckon the elastic rubber rope was the hope i had that i thought could salvage the situation i was in. i began to slowly realise it was a false hope. the painful past became much bitter by the day. that gave me more impetus to walk farther from the past. grinding my feet firmly into the ground, i fought the force of the elastic rope inch by inch. but that rope was still there, strapping me tightly.

recently i had a strong boost to walk farther from the painful past. i had enough strength to walk -- nay, run -- farther until the elastic rope reached its crucial breaking point and snapped. i was unleashed! it was a breakthrough.

i am finally free from that elastic rope but not necessariy from the painful past. i can go as far away from it as i wish and i can revisit it anytime i like. the past will always be part of who i am; however, i am no longer bound to it.

to the kindred spirit who appeared out of nowhere, thank you for the inspiration that gave me the boost.

yesterday's tomorrow is today.

never again can i reach yesterday. never will i know if tomorrow comes. today is all i've got.

today i live my life to the fullest. i'm giving my best in all roles i play. some people appreciate what i do. to them i'd like to say, "thank you very much for appreciating me; enjoy it."

other people say that my best isn't good enough. to these people i'd like to say, "giving my best is not about fulfilling your definition of 'best'; it is about fulfilling mine."

here's part of the chorus from bon jovi's "it's my life" which i copied from this site ...

it's my life
it's now or never
i ain't gonna live forever
i just want to live while i'm alive

my heart is like an open highway
like frankie said
i did it my way
i just wanna live while i'm alive
it's my life

wooo hoooo!

i met a good friend for tea after office yesterday. upon seeing me she remarked, "wow! you look very happy that you can glow in the dark."

yes of course i was very happy yesterday. first reason -- i got an unexpectedly high rating for my performance. second reason (which still keeps me happy till today) -- is for me to know and for you to mind your own business. heh heh ...

hey, i should try david letterman's top 10 list format. that should be fun. well, next time maybe.

i read something about meniere's disease. i can't even pronounce that name. it's not actually a disease. there's no virus or microbes involved. it's more of a condition or syndrome. the cause and origin are still unknown.

why the sudden interest in this disease? the doctor i visited last week suspected that i may have this disease. the symptom of dizziness pointed her to that claim. but during visits before that, she had said i had an athritis that attacks the veins on my temples. long before that she had said i'm one of 30% of the world population that suffers from low blood pressure. i told her to make up her mind. she said that to be sure i'd have to do a scan of my head; there could be something growing in it. oops! am i growing extra brain or what? anyhow, that scared me ... for a moment.

a car breaks down because of an engine failure, or a radiator leak, or a host of other reasons. but it just needs one reason to break down. like a car, i need just one reason to die -- old age, disease, or a host of other reasons. this could be the reason. who knows. but i'll surely die one day.

i'm still happy today. let's see if i'll be glowing in the dark tonight. woooo hoooo!

it was about a month ago -- or to be exact on thursday feb 19 -- that i blogged to have my heart be unbroken.

on friday, feb 20 someone miraculously showed up to put the pieces back together. the conversation was light and easy. but the connection made was meaningful.

the proposition was a simple, "so ... would you care to join?"
the reply, accompanied by that unforgettable smile, was an anticipating "call, call, call ..."

today my heart feels lighter.

i am very happy i can say. i owe it to one wonderful soul who shares the same experience with me. we are running away as fast as we can from the gushes and wounds of the past while sharing the same present emotions.

and to this soul i would like to wish, "welcome into my folds and have a pleasant stay."

yesterday i facilitated a workshop for the board of directors of a subsidiary, to help them see the line of sight from the corporate vision down to the the implementation strategies for one of their high-profile projects.

the project team that the board is overseeing is so bogged down with the operational matters in their project that the team cannot give a broader picture to the board. the team fails to show the forest; instead, it keeps telling about the trees. the board, staffed with people with project management experience who enjoy details, gets sucked into the spiral.

recently the board reached a point where they couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. the board of directors got lost. they didn't know where to head. they were overwhelmed by the trees. they screamed for help. my group came in to the rescue.

it is gratifying when i helped lift the board members out of the thick of the trees, bring them up to the level where they can see the forest, and give a sense of confidence to them to point the project team to some direction.

the board members now understand the intent (or objective) of the strategies the team chose that brought about all the issues. the breakthrough to go forward was achieved when the intent was questioned. this is one powerful application of double-loop learning which was theorized by chris argyris.

someone said that we should blog insights, instead of just writing down things we did (which would become a diary).

i say we should blog both. by having a record of what we did and how we felt, we could one day read again and get an insight of ourselves.

ok then ... what have i done today? i've nursed my headache in the morning. i've been busy at work since then although the throbbing persists. i've completed the pack to facilitate a workshop with the board of directors of a company.

i'm feeling at the top of the world today. great friends surround me (bad ones have been chucked out of my life, remember?)

now, back to work ... after a cigarette, of course ;-)

there's this feature in the software that i'm using to undo text editing. just type ctrl-z and the last editing will disappear.

if only life had the same feature to undo things that i've done ... *sigh*

well, life isn't software. and like frankie said: "regrets, i've had a few; but then again, too few to mention ..."

it's saturday and i'm in the office. aaaarrggghhhhh!!!!!

i'm a bit under the weather. my head feels giddy when i stare at this screen. walking about makes me feel better but when i sit down again i feel worse. i'm on the borderline of having a fever i guess. some people i know are already down with flu or something. the bug must be in the air.

yesterday as i walked past a shop i saw a red chair. suddenly my mind reeled back to some unpleasant moments. it was on a red chair that i cried my heart out, pleading and begging and ... stop! i'm not going to go through that moment again. it's bloody painful.

yesterday too i had a discussion to review my performance with my boss. it's a yearly thing we do. some people really go for high rating. but high rating doesn't motivate me much. there's a small impact on the paycheck but the excitement doesn't last long.

what i value most from the review is the feedback i get. tell me about my strengths so that i can capitalise on them; tell me about my weaknesses so that i can improve them; having the boss to be pleased with my performance is a bonus. however, knowing that i exceed the challenges that i set before me is the most gratifying and motivates me to raise my own bar.

well, i've got to add some comments made by my boss into the appraisal form. it's in a database somewhere and it's crawling. i'd better get to it now.

i've got to squint my eyes harder as i get giddier. maybe a cigarette may help ;-) fooooh fooooh

over the weekend during the outing i had a chance to have some conversation with e78. we moved from one topic to another until she started to talk about her past. i discovered that she's been hurt recently. it's the case of giving all the best but even the best was not good enough. that case was familiar to me. what i've gone through recently made it easier for me to understand her experience. in turn, i related my own experience to her. we're kindred spirits in that manner.

a few moments the atmosphere turned quiet and sombre as we stared deep into space and replayed those painful moments. but i found out that expressing the experience to someone who has gone through the same helps a lot.

since she felt the hurt until the present, i asked her how long it has been. she said it's been a year and the pain was still there. i guess i have to bear the pain for that long or may be longer.

anyway, my group had good fun over the weekend (having someone in the group as my kindred made it much better). we went to pee bee (until a police truck came in and took away some people and all the fun) and then moved to another place until 3. then we had something to munch and by 4 headed to our place to retire for the night (rather, morning).

i call e78 by the name of "moot" which is short for "semut". why? that's for us to know and for the rest of you to mind your own bloody business.

i'm feeling a bit under the weather this morning. i've been sneezing since i got into the office. my head is spinning and giddy. my boss donated two paracetamol pills. i ate an orange in the pantry. i've been smoking like usual though; damned this nicotine.

now, back to work. errr ... after another cigarette, i mean.

last evening a good friend of mine informed me that a 17-year old boy she's been tutoring was involved in an accident. the boy passed away later in the night.

the news reminded me that the only sure thing in life is death, and that we start dying the day we begin our life.

God Almighty is The One "who created death and life that He may try you ..." [Al-Mulk:2]

why did He mention death first? death is the end. we always begin anything with an end in mind.

change is inevitable.

change comes in all facets and happens all the time. as seconds past things get more or things get less; winds blow from east to west or north to south; clouds get thick or clouds get thin; situations get better or situations get worse; feelings grow or feelings wither.

we acknowledge that change takes place. it would be good if we could control the change. but it would be frustrating to control change as most of the times change is beyond our control. therefore, what matters is how we cope with change.

coping with change is preparing our thinking, feeling and behaviours on the foreseeable and not-so-forseeable change. some people prepare for change by meticulous planning; some take it one day at a time.

i am not sure into which category of people i fall. preparing too much for change tires me; not preparing at all scares me.

i guess i will just accept that change does come. that way i won't be too shocked when change comes subtly or drastically. i'll cross the bridge when i get to it.

last night i went to the club to check out the new band. it didn't feel as warm as before -- when we arrived no one was there to welcome us. we used to be greeted by the band boys who made us feel like home.

this new band is not as good as the previous one. maybe i kinda missed the previous one. i'll get used to this new one. but the night was saved by the good company i had with me. in our group was e78.

who's e78? my first encounter with her was on monday 16 feb. then again on thursday, and on the third time on friday i asked her out to join my group and she agreed. since then she's been a regular feature in our outings.

she's actively involved in politics, and one of the prominent figures in the movement in her housing area. when she speaks in the phone with whomever calls her, she exudes confidence and seems dependable. and she has one very sweet smile that seems to stick in your mind.

easy going with a good personality to match, she's interesting and i like hanging out with her. i hope we can be good friends.

yeeehaaa! it's friday. i'll be totally busy during the day BUT tonight will offer a different landscape of excitement. can't wait can't wait ...

was at the club last night. the band finally played more classic rock. been telling them to do those numbers since they started playing at the place from early january.

hey, this place is up-market. young punks don't come here -- they can't afford it. the crowd is 30+ with ready cash to burn. they're here to get drunk and remember good old times. good old time is when they were growing up with nazareth, deep purple, dire straits, the eagles, ozzy osbourne, pink floyd, whitesnake, scorpions, and all. why play today's r&b?

after telling them that, the band had tried one or two classic rock numbers and the crowd sang along at the top of their lungs and brought the house down. but the band still went back to the newer numbers. sheesh!

sadly, this is the last week the band is performing there. anyway, i made a special request for them to play dire straits. they obliged and dedicated sultan of swings to me.

i'm working on a presentation. the challenge is that the subject is so technical in nature but i've got to keep the audience from being bored.

i'm playing a collection of baroque music on the background to help me think. of all the music, bach's air from suite no.3 is still my all-time fav.

thinking of past composers ... beethoven was deaf. did his deafness contribute to the originality of his music?

sometimes, songs express exactly how we feel. a passage from tony braxton's unbreak my heart rightly hits the note for me ...

undo this hurt you caused
when you walked out the door
and walked out of my life
uncry these tears
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart

A song apt for a dreamer like me ...

All I Have to do is Dream
~ Roy Orbison / Everly Brothers

When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream
Dream, dream, dream
When I feel blue in the night
And I want you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream
Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream

Driving back to the office from lunch I heard Andy Williams sing on the radio:
"How long does it last, Can love be measured by the hours in the day ... "
The title of the song is Where Do I Begin. It's one of my favs.

Andy, the answer is Yes. Some people do measure love by how much time you spend with them. And for those who see a half glass of water as half empty (instead of half full), they measure how much time you don't spend with them. Or they'll make use of this measurement as an excuse to discard you when they don't love you anymore.

If love is to be measured at all, it should be measured by simple, sincere deeds of devotion.

A friend once told me that to find a person to love, find someone whom you can love a hundred percent, and who loves you a hundred and ten percent. He's right. It's easier to go through life loving someone whom loves you more.

I have been in the position of giving the hundred and ten percent. You have to give all you can, and then some. Then you hope that the person whom you love appreciates what you do. It would have been a big bonus if the other person loves you a hundred percent.

Well, after what has been said, it's better to have loved a hundred and ten percent and be discarded, rather than not to love at all. At least I've done my part.

I'm having a terrible headache and I can't keep my eyes opened.

What a way to start the week!

Minutes ago a friend called me to tell that an IT company is looking for somebody to fill up a vacancy and my name came up. The job is offering 20k - 30k a month. She'll try to hook up with me within this week. I managed to smile but surprisingly, I'm not excited at all by the offer.

I guess, money is not what I'm looking for at the moment. I want to do what I like and to be able to do it the way I like it. And at this moment, my job fullfils all that ... thank God Almighty.

Now I feel like going out to lunch. Ciao!

This year's Valentine's Day was special! No, I didn't celebrate it, and don't intend to. So what's so special about it? I just found out that Liza's birthday falls on the same day!

Last Saturday night I popped in at the place. Darn ... the place was set up for Val's dinner. It was full with couples having candle-lit dinner. I guess I was the only one to turn up with another man. We did the customary greetings with the manager and the band boys and got ourselves two seats at the row of chairs along the dark wall behind the bar. Hmmm ... two guys sitting at a dark corner on Val's day. People must be thinking we're gay lovers celebrating Val's. Double darn!

Luckily Liza came and joined us for a while. With her presence we wouldn't look like gays, would we? Well, I was hoping so. Had a small chat with her and that's when she told us that it's her birthday. I asked the band to play her a birthday tune but she refused.

So, guys! There you go. It's not too late to wish her a happy birthday.

a guy blogged that he's dropping from his friends list those who make him hurt. he'd rather keep just a few friends who really appreciate him.

sounds good to me. will do the same.

Lied, lied, lied. You lied to me all along. You are really good at lying. You survive by lying. Maybe you are made of L-I-E polymer instead of carbon molecules.

I don't care much that you lied to yourself, but you had to lie to me too. Your lies are unfolding one by one and you don't even realize it.

If I were Harry Potter I would have cast this spell on you:
Liar liar,
Pants on fire!

Remember you this: I won't forget all the lies.

Lied, lied, lied. You lied to me all along. You are really good at lying. You survive by lying. Maybe you are made of L-I-E polymer instead of carbon molecules.

I don't care much that you lied to yourself, but you had to lie to me too. Your lies are unfolding one by one and you don't even realize it.

If I were Harry Potter I would have cast this spell on you:
Liar liar,
Pants on fire!

Remember you this: I won't forget all the lies.

A tribute to us ...

The yellow leaves against the black bark of trees, falling as the chilling wind blows;
The pleasant smell of burning pine cones emanating from fireplaces, accompanying the excitement of the first snow;
The sweet smell of peach blossoms;
The cloudless blue skies and the long, bright sunny days.

We walked through the four seasons together hand in hand.
May we walk the next four decades together still hand in hand.

It is lighter to go through life when we don't depend on anybody and nobody depends on us. It is even lighter when we shed the baggage of past memories and live the present day.

But we are not alone.

We have are our own fates and destinies which may cross paths with those of others. Crossing of the paths in itself is a fate which will take us closer to our destinies.